I am tired of myself at times. I spent this afternoon with my emotionally unavailable friend, before we met up with my husband and family for dinner. Wow is my crush on him back. I don't want to do this again, it will leave me failing emotionally naked and oddly alone. But his smile when he looks left and grins, when he's being sneaky - it leaves me slain. He was giving me white wine with ice if a coffee mug tonight, bring me drinks in front of a friend who thinks I abstain. It was charming and ridiculous. I don't want to go there, and yet I am.